Today in deeply failed attempts to do my job.
March 1, 2012: Jay-Z and Beyonce’s first son, Bob Allah Knowles Carter, is born in a labor that lasts a miraculous two minutes and forty two seconds—coincidentally, the exact duration alleged by scientists to be the platonic length of a pop song. Kanye West, Bob Allah’s godfather, visits the next day.
Beyonce: Um, Ye?
Kanye: Yeah B?
Beyonce: Is there a reason you brought a strobe light to the hospital?
Kanye: Just figured, you know, we’d get him used to the cameras now.
Beyonce: You know that I’ve asked you to get Shawn’s permission before plugging things into the wall, Kanye.
Kanye: Yeah but this one runs on batteries—see the crank on the side?
Beyonce: …
Kanye: OK, OK—I’ll just leave this scale replica of your infant child as an Egyptian pharaoh as crafted by Jeff Koons’ second and third most talented assistants on the table here, cool?
Beyonce: ….
December 9, 2016: Bob Allah Knowles Carter is now a strapping four years old. As Jay-Z and Beyonce grab a much needed night off at Bubby’s in Tribeca, Kanye West watches their son in his SoHo apartment. They’re playing basketball on West’s indoor court when Jay comes to pick Bob Allah up.
Bob Allah: Daddy, daddy, today I learned what a credenza is!
Jay-Z: Yes, that’s what you sleep inside of every night, son.
Jay: Who is that you’re posting up, by the way (indicates a man in a suit and tie)?
Kanye: This is my accountant.
[Four-year-old Bob Allah hits half-court shot with both eyes closed.]
