A: Yeah, I don’t know. I do love to write, but I don’t know if I’m the best storyteller. [Very low voice.] Basically, people are crazy.” Kristen Stewart: Not just “the ‘Twilight’ girl
Grantland 2012 Oscar Roundtable...
…with smart people Mark Lisanti, Molly Lambert, and my spirit-friend-slash-implacable-movie-enemy Sean Fennessey. I’m the guy saying inappropriate things about fire and Les Mis.
Gotta be some sort of life accomplishment, being empowered by the Times magazine to give out a “Fish of the Year” award I made up. There is also this, about Taylor Kitsch. An earlier version of this idea was to write straight fan-fiction about the Year of Kitsch That Wasn’t, a thing I actually did, before smarter and more reasonable minds prevailed. I’m posting it here anyway, because humiliation.
Imagining Taylor Kitsch’s Year as It Could—As It Should—Have Been:
January: Kitsch passes on “John Carter” in order to act alongside Liam Neeson in “The Grey”; in the film’s revised finale, as Neeson’s character faces off against a ferocious gray wolf, Kitsch intervenes, soothing the wild beast with his soulful gaze. “Alaska forever,” the three new friends say as they toast the setting sun. Kitsch’s performance is hailed by critics for its “manful sensitivity.”
June: Kitsch, skeptical that playing a naval captain opposite Rihanna will further his burgeoning career as a serious actor, opts instead to go the auteur route, signing on to Steven Soderbergh’s male-stripper fantasia “Magic Mike.” His signature routine involves a football helmet, shoulder pads, and nothing else. An urban legend is born: no theatergoer can watch this scene without passing out. The Best Supporting Actor Oscar buzz begins.
September: Kitsch beats out Joaquin Phoenix for the role of Freddie Quell in “The Master” after impressing director Paul Thomas Anderson with his deep knowledge of the lesser science fiction of L. Ron Hubbard. Reviewers hail the modified ending, apparently suggested by Kitsch, in which he and Philip Seymour Hoffman replace Hoffman’s planned rendition of “(I’d Like to Get You on a) Slow Boat to China” with a duet on Kings of Leon’s “Sex on Fire”—a performance the two men reprise at the Academy Awards in February, 2013. Introducing the pair, Robert De Niro singles out Kitsch as “a young man of great promise, who should be with us for quite some time to come.” Kitsch nods, acknowledging the crowd’s applause, the perfect end to an unbelievable year.
Lynch: I’ll tell you. I’m walking down the street. There are people in the street. There is someone you fancy. And you turn a corner. And there she is. No two ways about it. She is the idea. You are in love. And she is the story.” David Lynch: ‘Feature Films Have Become Cheap’
Action Bronson, ‘Rare Chandeliers’ (Vice) | SPIN | Albums
Wrote this.
